A Morning Stroll

This morning I decided to fight my mental illness head on, I was not going to sit in silence in a dark room again-no I was going to eat breakfast and go for a walk. These were the photographs-such a beautiful place.

Day Hospital

I bought this beauty of a book ready for day hospital, and in case things get really bad and I end up inpatient. I assume there will be lots of sitting about and hopefully as I begin to feel better I will have more motivation to do things, like writing and sketching.

Creative Writing Session 1

Today I began my first creative writing session at The Mill Arts Centre in Banbury.

I was quite apprehensive and anxious as 'going out' is not really my thing, sends my anxiety and thoughts crazy, and I'm quite poorly with my mental health at the moment, so it was a huge thing for me. I really want to learn though, I've found a passion in writing and I believe words hold a lot of power.

We learnt about Alliteration and looked at 'The Elements Of Eloquence' by Martin Forsyth, we then proceeded to write our own pieces focusing around Nelson Mandela's funeral using alliteration to grasp the reader's attention, drawing in interest, making sentences memorable.

The other group members shared some of their work from home and we gave constructive criticism.

Feeling very motivated to write at the moment, especially whilst I am so unwell, perhaps I can help an 'outsider' to really understand how isolating and terrifying mental illness can be.

A written piece: Depression

Waking up feels so horrible, I feel I cannot do it, it's hard to open my eyes and see in the darkness. Anorexia nervosa, anxiety, clinical depression, avoidant personality disorder you have ground me down, pushed me under the dirt of the earth and made me suffocate in my memories. I’ve spent years living in this hell, no not living, existing. That’s what this is, an existence. Nothing more. “I am done” are the three words I use the most these days, sad isn’t it? To be twenty one and so finished with life. To only feel okay when you’re slowly disappearing, the number on the scales getting lower and lower each day. To be so committed to death and yet so withdrawn from life. Crying in blood, silently screaming.

I look at the little girl in the photographs, the girl who wanted to be a ballet dancer and a nurse and I can't help but feel overwhelmed by guilt because that little spirit full of life became the woman with dull eyes and a hollow soul. That girl became the woman whose wrists sting in the bathtub, who found hugs in anorexia and kisses in razor blades. A woman so cold that she’s forgotten how to love. Cold and harsh, they call her a pessimist. She doesn’t understand ‘fun’, Christmas crackers and Birthday cake are trivial nonsense, punishment has become the only thing that makes sense, is it self-discipline, or maybe self-control? Or is it the total opposite? I’m not sure I know.  How sad and hopeless must one feel to only be able to fall asleep thinking of falling asleep forever? Death became the only comforting thought.

These days are hard you know? The world has lost all it’s colour, I see in black and grey, the beauty has gone, only darkness and rain. It is icy cold, like the world has lost warmth forever, it's become so cold it'd be impossible to thaw. I realise how desperately alone I am. Could you imagine waking up in the morning and realising that nobody and nothing would notice if you died? You are that unimportant, worthless and meaningless that you mean nothing, you are nothing.

The walls are closing in on me, there is less and less air to breathe and I feel so frightened. I have a hand on each wall either side of me and I’m using all my strength to keep them from closing in on me but I’m exhausted, I’m not sure I can hold them away on my own for much longer. I wonder how this will end, if I’ll give up and let the walls close in on me. Let my soul slip away as my eyes close for the last time. I asked other people to place a hand on one of the walls, to add to my strength and help me to stop the walls closing in, but nobody had a spare hand, maybe they were carrying too much already or perhaps they just had their hands in their pockets and I wasn’t worthy enough for them to take their hand out for a few minutes. I guess I’ll never know their reasons, but I know this much, I'm on my own.

I Wrote Love On My Arms

When I was in recovery from self harm after spending most of the year in a psychiatric hospital, I decided to do something that would remind me how far I have come and to give myself a little bit of love.

I have always cut the same arm, this has caused quite obvious scarring on my left arm, and for this reason I decided to get a tattoo of a heart on the back of my wrist to remind me to love myself and to hopefully draw peoples' eyes from my scars to my tattoo. A daily reminder to myself to stay strong.

Behind The Lens, Underneath The Sleeve

Staying strong January 7th

Staying strong January 6th

Staying Strong January 3rd

So the message for today was "every life has a purpose. Share your story and you may help someone find their own." The goal set was to stand up for those who can't yet. Give them support and strength.

I was going to share my story but it is not uplifting nor inspiring at this moment in time, until I'm recovered or there is at least a hopeful ending, I don't think my story will particularly help people. Instead, I decided to write little achievements down, achievements that may possibly encourage others to fight their illness or at least realise the possibilities that are out for them.

Quotes

I created an advent calendar at BYHP and in each day I put a quote. We decided that we wanted to keep the quotes and so now I am on a mission thinking of photographs to take to match each quote...currently waiting on a clear night to take a photograph of the stars, but today I finished my first two.

Staying strong January 1st

I invested in Demi Lovato's book 'staying strong 365 days a year'. I'm not normally one for celebrity books but her story inspires me and I love how she is recovered and a healthy normal size and weight, such a good role model.

Anyway so in today's part of the book Demi wrote about her mantra, "you are beautifully and wonderfully made" and the goal set was to come up with one's own mantra.
I chose, "Be yourself for that is who you were born to be" because I struggle with confidence and low self esteem and often find myself holding back and hiding away in social situations but there is only one of me, the same as there is only one of you. Why waste that? Embrace it.

New Years Resolutions

The first page in my scrapbook.

I have battled with mental illness for nearly all my life, specifically anorexia nervosa, clinical depression, anxiety and avoidant personality disorder.
This year I decided to make my New Years Resolutions little steps forward in my life, not committing to full recovery or setting unrealistic goals.
I like things to be tidy and neat, I tend to get more stressed and anxious when there is mess. A tidy room, a tidy mind and all of that. However, my body dysmorphia and anorexic thoughts lead to me changing outfits whilst rushing to lead the house and I end up feeling stressed and fat and my room ends up with clothes thrown everywhere and it's a vicious circle of stress, so my resolution is to wear one outfit a day, I'll think about it carefully and put it on and that is it.

My second resolution is way more important than it sounds. Putting my hand infront of my mouth is a safety behaviour I often use when I am feeling anxious or exposed but it gets in the way, particularly in therapy and it makes it difficult for people to hear me. I also think it makes me look a bit silly, and not a sensible and responsible young woman. I'm not saying I'm never putting my hand infront of my mouth ever again, I know it will be a hard habit to beat but by the end of 2014 I hope to have beaten this habit and have better body image.

Scrapbook

I am totally rubbish at keeping diaries, if I get busy or go away and miss a day or two my perfectionist qualities lead to me giving up on it completely and throwing it away but I think it is good to document things, particularly when suffering from mental illness, so that you can look back on the year and see achievements. This year, instead of a diary I've decided to scrapbook as and when things happen and I get time and hopefully next New Years Eve I will look at it and see how far I've come.

A little introduction

Hi,

I'm Claire and I love all things creative and arty from writing and baking to photography, painting and scrapbooking.

Creativity keeps me going as I battle with my mental illnesses.

This is my blog to show who I am and not for my illnesses to define me.